Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
