Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
