he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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