Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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