I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
