the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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