Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I need moral support for this bender
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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