bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize