why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
