I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
