my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize