I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
