either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
