Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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