You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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