i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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