Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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