I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
