Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
