loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize