You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
