I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
