Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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