Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Randomize
