I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Pooping to opera.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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