i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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