i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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