im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
