Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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