Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
