Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
