I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
