Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
