i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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