if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
