There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
