He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
There's always time for handjobs
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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