Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
