Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
i need some magic done to my vagina
Drunk is not a location!
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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