I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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