This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Your topless pictures make me question reality
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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