Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
