My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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