Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Randomize
