Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
