Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
