I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
