Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
