They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
So squirting runs in the family.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I came so hard my ears popped.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
