So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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