Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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