OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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