I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Randomize
