Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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