i don't like sucking hair
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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