If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
