Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize