Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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