Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
