I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
this hospital has no fireball
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
