Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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