Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
