There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Terrible idea I love it
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
