I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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