And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
