Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
