Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
