she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
foreskin is a definite game changer
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Pants are for mortals
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
