it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
