im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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