She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
