i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
